Artsy-Fartsy: While my ukulele gently weeps

I hate ukuleles. I hate them. Their little tinny plinka-plinka noise, their ridiculous size, the same janga-jay-janga-jay-janga-jay tunes people seem to play on them.

That said, if more people played the ukulele like Jake Shimabukuro I'd probably like the instrument.

Growling though the scales

Word of Whenever: bemused

I was going to title this post "Word of the Day", but this probably won't be a daily thing, even though there are enough words in the English language to satisfy a "Word of the Day" post daily for about 450 years - and that's not counting the words counted as obsolete. So hey, it's Word of Whenever!

Today's word is "bemused".

bemused adj.
1. bewildered or confused
2. lost in thought; preoccupied

I've found that most people think this word means "mildly amused". This makes sense (not only because the word sounds like "amused") because I've usually seen this word used in situations in books where something strange is going on, but not very strange. A tiny man in brightly-colored clothing comes dancing out of a teapot and everyone looks bemused. Assuming the story has been full of odd happenings, it would make sense that everyone is kind of amused. Their bemusedness is usually followed by a chuckle or smile or some other reaction, supporting the idea that "bemused" means "amused".

Other usages of language further this incorrect definition. When people are "bewildered" in stories, they are reeling with confusion and the language of the story will support that. The bewildered character will perhaps take a step back, shake his head in disbelief or gape at whatever has him confused. If someone is "stunned", they may be unable to move or speak and their thoughts might be described to be at a total standstill, or their mind blank.

When someone is "bemused", their reaction isn't so strong. They may quickly shake off the confusion and have a more positive reaction, like smiling or laughing. I've noticed more and more that authors are misusing this word, so the definition "mildly amused" is tacked on to "bemused" more frequently.

So what's the point? I don't really have one. Language evolves. Definitions shift. Context plays a big part in this. A smile or a laugh by themselves are usually positive.

"Tony made a face, sending the children into gales of laughter."

Using the same words, a smile or a laugh become negative or alarming.

"James smiled as Terry screamed in agony."

I think it doesn't matter if "bemused" is used in a way that is considered incorrect. The context will usually show which definition is being used and as long as that's clearly conveyed, then communication is established and the story flows.

Elephobia

Oh, hey: Two-liter bottles

This is a picture of a two-liter bottle before it's been expanded.

And here's a video demonstrating how that expansion occurs.



Spotted on TYWKIWDBI. http://tywkiwdbi.blogspot.com/

Cooking Adventure: Ham

My mom suggested a HoneyBaked ham for Easter dinner. I do like ham, but that particular brand just doesn't cut it anymore. Not after I had some of my friend Jess' amazing glazed ham. Unwilling to suffer through another HoneyBaked, I asked Jess how she made her ham.

Offerings to dark gods?

She helpfully provided me the following recipe.

Ingredients:

A fully-cooked, spiral-cut ham (I used a "half-ham")

2 cans of cola

Whole cloves

The rub:

Brown sugar

Salt

Cinnamon

The glaze:

1/2 cup maple syrup (you can probably get away with the fake stuff)

1/2 cup brown sugar

1 tbsp mustard (technically brown or Dijon, but yellow is fine)

1/4 tsp ground ginger

1/4 tsp cinnamon

1/2 can of cola (I left this out and it worked just fine)

First, gaze upon your ham. I did so in fear and hesitation. My fears were unfounded, because this is a ridiculously easy recipe.

Please be delicious.

Don your cooking armor and prepare to do battle.

My cooking armor.

Hidden behind the label are the cooking instructions. The label is designed to peel off. So give it a firm yank and-

AAAAAAAUUUGH!

-tear right through the cooking time and temperature. It's best to leave the label where it is, cut through the shrink wrap, rinse off the shrink wrap and turn it over to peer at the label from the reverse side.

Wash the ham. It's covered in gross.

Put your ham in a roasting pan. Basically any rectangular (or even oval) pan with at least 2-inch sides, preferably a bit higher. You can put the ham on a rack if you want, but I didn't have one. I just stuck the ham in the pan the way it was wrapped - no looking for the fatty side or anything.

Jess elaborates the next step: "Pour a can of Coke over it. Pull spiral cuts apart just enough so that the Coke dribbles down inside. ALL UP IN THAR."

Rub the ham down with some brown sugar, salt and cinnamon. The proportions should be about 80% brown sugar, 10% salt, 10% cinnamon. I eyeballed it.

I also rubbed down the front, so that first slice is going to be amazing.

Jess: "Stud ham with whole cloves. Drop a couple of the f***ers in the Coke.  THAT'LL TEACH IT."

Yeah!

Cover the ham in tinfoil.

Ham! From! Spaaaaaaaaace!

The label will have the cooking time and temperature. It's usually x minutes per pound. Through poor math and rounding wildly at every turn, I figured this ham should be in the oven for about two hours.

Twenty-five minutes before it was due to come out, I opened up the oven, pulled out the rack and uncovered the ham to glaze it. I did it right there with the oven open and received a little sunburn on the back of my glazing hand. Please use caution, or at least have some sunburn ointment to hand. Don't let the glaze drip into the pan. Really baste the ham. Get it in between the spirals. Then throw it back in the oven for the remaining cooking time. You can leave it in a bit longer if you want the glaze crispy. I didn't do this, just in case I made ham flambé.

I was supposed to throw the glaze ingredients into a saucepan and simmer the mixture, but I...forgot. It still turned out perfectly.

Unsimmered glaze, because I'm a rebel.

After two hours and a great deal of praying, I removed the ham from the oven.

Hale-friggen-lujah!

The spirals separated a bit, letting the glaze cook into each slice.

This is a very easy recipe that turns out very impressive and very delicious. I had a 9.38-lb. ham and it cost a little under $20. By comparison, a HoneyBaked 9-lb. ham is a little over $80. Jess' ham beats all other contenders on every front. I definitely recommend this recipe for any special-occasion dinner or family gathering, or just because ham is delicious.

Happy cooking!

Happy Easter

Cooking Adventure: French Toast - THE RECKONING

I have a dear friend - McK who is one of the manliest men I know. He plays video games, shoots guns, saves the world and cooks.

If you look past all the wide, smiling faces of TV chef personalities, you see the inherent danger and excitement of cooking. Knives! Fire! Mallets! Slicing! Stabbing!

Did I mention fire?

McK makes manly food - filling, flavorful and tons of it. In the post Cooking Misadventure: French Toast, McK left a comment with his own recipe. Today, I make that recipe.

Ingredients:

Wheat bred (McK specified Roman wheat bread, but I'm not sure what that is)
Eggs
Milk or water (optional)

Time to pray!

Milk/egg ratio should be 1 part milk to 4 parts eggs. Mix the eggs and milk in a flat-bottomed bowl for optimum dunking. My favorite flat-bottomed bowl was in the fridge holding a giant watermelon, so I decided to be lazy (and hungry) and use the next best thing.

I was wary of trying another French toast recipe, so I only used two pieces of bread and two eggs. I'm not sure how much milk I used - maybe 1/4 of a cup. I'm not sure about the measurement of a large egg.

After the previous French toast debacle, I was extremely wary about this attempt. The fact that when I cracked the eggs they both caved in on themselves - leaving me to hold a mass of broken shells and goop - did not give me hope that this would turn out any better. It seemed like an ill omen.

Also, the kitchen walls were bleeding.

Butter a pan with salted butter on a medium-low flame. McK helpfully informs us that using oil will make the French toast taste eggy, which isn't good. He also lets us know that burning the butter will make the French toast taste better. I decided to brown the butter to test this.

French-toast-making station. The picture is blurry because I was beset by a flock of lesser demons.

Lay a piece of bread flat in the eggs, then flip it over, then immediately set in the hot pan. Fill up the pan with the pre-French toast. I had a round pan, so this did not take long.

If I had to cook for guests, I calculate it would take about 4,000,000,000 hours until everyone was served.

Cook until the French toast gets kind of brown on each side.

I also threw in some summer sausage. And holy water.

Remove from pan. McK: "Re-butter the pan for any following frenching of toasts." Serve with whatever you want. I, like McK, prefer butter and syrup.

It was with great trepidation that I approached this French toast. I expected something bland or maybe tough or perhaps dry. It was none of these. I swear when I took a bite that the heavens parted and there was an angel chorus. The darkness was banished. This was proper French toast. Paired with summer sausage, it made for a highly satisfying - nay, highly amazing - lunch.

Breakfast for lunch is awesome, beaten only by breakfast for dinner.

Happy cooking!

Hollow Books: Part 1

I make hollow books on occasion. They're great for keeping things secret. Actually, that's a total lie. I like to show them off, because everyone gets a kick out of them. But they're still pretty darn cool. And today, I will tell you a bit about making them!

I do understand that there are those who despise the destruction of any book. If you are a bibliophile, please look away - some of these images are shocking.

Supplies:

A hardcover book you don't like or don't care about
X-acto knife, box cutter, razor, weedwhacker, chainsaw or other sharp implement (please only use the first 3 listed)
Paintbrush
White glue
Disposable cup
Wax paper
Straight edge

Protect your table from glue!

I got all my books from the library for free or for 25 cents. I like the two-toned covers the best. For this first book I'll show you the absolute simplest method of making a hollow book. For this you'll only need the book, glue, brush and blade, and something to hold the cover up.

Open up your glue bottle and get a good amount on  your brush. Paint the edges of the pages with the glue, getting a nice, even coat. Brush in the direction of the pages so that any dried-glue ridges will at least follow the direction of the pages and blend in better.

This is a horrible brush for this job, but I couldn't find a different one.

Make sure the pages are well-coated, but don't leave globs of glue. You will inevitably get glue on the cover. Just brush it down and spread it out to make it less visible. Once everything is glued, set the book on it's back and open the front cover. If it sticks, just pry it up. You'll probably yank a few pages with it. Press them back down if this happens. Put a pad of sticky notes, a couple pencils, a few pamphlets or whatever you have lying around to keep the front cover off the rest of the book. If you have wax paper, you can place it between both covers and the pages. This will prevent you from making a book block. Press it down and let it dry, about 30 minutes.

Slight buckling. The red to the right is not blood. I did a second book that had red-stained pages (the glue lifted the dye) and I wiped my brush there.

When it's dry, open the front cover and draw some lines on the first page, creating a border. These will be where you cut the pages. You can make them narrow or wide, but I wouldn't make them narrower than 1/2 an inch for durability's sake. Once you have your margins marked, start cutting.

Margins. If you're wondering, the book is "Memories of Midnight".

You might find it hard to keep a straight line, or that your margins start to slant inwards or outwards. It's not a big deal unless you want a perfect book. Work slowly for a smoother, more uniform outcome. I was hacking at the book and tearing pages out to work as quickly as possible.

Tip: Watch your corners. It's easy to get fuzzy, rounded corners while cutting. If you can't drag your blade to the very end of the margin, get in there from a different angle and cut clear corners.

You'll eventually hit the back of the book. It's okay if you accidentally slice into it, as long as you don't slice through it. Carefully remove the last few pages.

Deep gouge.

The finished book.

Paint the insides and back of the page with glue, and press them against the back cover. Close the book, press it down and let it dry.

It took me about an hour and a half (not counting drying time) to make this book. It's about 3/4 of an inch thick. You will likely get paper bits and dust everywhere.

Book carnage.

Happy crafting!

Thoughts on friends

I have a bunch of really cool friends. Some I see all the time, some I see once in a while, and there are a few I'm in contact with over the phone or e-mail. Friends are cool because you all have something in common, you all like each other and you can all talk about the things you have in common, or the things you like and so on. I'm sure you don't need me to explain.

The concept of a "best friend" isn't hard to grasp, either. It's the one friend you are the closest to, the one you like the best. The funny things is, I haven't had a "best friend" in a while. I've noticed that there are certainly friends I am closer to than others, but no one is the best. I just have a few really awesome friends that I see a lot and talk to a lot, and they like the things I do, and they generally like me and I like them.

I actually think it's cooler this way. I guess if I had to answer who my best friend is, I'd have to name off a few people. Why stop at one best friend? Collect a bunch!

No.

Cooking Adventure: Asparagus and Chicken

Asparagus. My arch nemesis. It has a taste like no other, and that's not a good thing. The texture, flavor and smell of asparagus is extremely off-putting.

That said, this is the only dish I will eat asparagus in and I love it.

Oh my stars and garters.

This is a very simple dish with very few ingredients and it tastes very good.

Ingredients:

1 1/2 lbs chicken (white meat)

1 bunch asparagus (about 10 stalks, give or take a few)

soy sauce

Present and accounted for.

Chop up all the asparagus into 1-2 inch pieces. Get rid of the white or purple bottoms - they're very tough, won't cook well and are flavorless. If your asparagus is particularly thick, you can chop it in half lengthwise for more even cooking

If you're like me, you can pretend you're Paul Bunyan, felling trees.

Throw them in a pan with a bit of oil and 1 1/2 tablespoons soy sauce. I recommend using a nonstick skillet. Stir everything up to get the asparagus well-coated and spread them out evenly in the pan. Cover with a lid and go cut up the chicken.

Can you tell my skillet did not come with a lid?

Cut the chicken up into bite-sized pieces. NOTE: The super-cheap grocery store brand meat is certainly inexpensive, but you'll end up cutting off giant chunks of fat, gristle, tendons and odd-colored bits. High-quality meat will hardly need any trimming at all. By experiment, the cheap meat and the quality meat prices come out to about the same once trimmed. The picture below shows how much I had to cut off four fairly large chicken breasts (good quality).

Suitable for kitty.

Stop every now and then to give the asparagus a stir. The asparagus should be tender, but not mushy. The sliced stalks will cook faster. When the asparagus is done, remove it from the pan and put in a bit more oil and 2 tablespoons of soy sauce. Add the chicken and stir to coat it.

Raw chicken never looks good.

Cook the chicken until no longer pink on the inside. I like to have a medium-high heat on when I cook it. Once it's fully cooked, throw the asparagus back in and stir it up.

Mmmmmmmmm.

Eat it with rice! If you don't like rice, eat it with...something.

Lunchtime!

Happy cooking!

Short Videos

For your viewing pleasure, some short videos.

Red Pandas

Red pandas are not related to bears, raccoons or communists. They are endangered, but captive breeding programs seem to be having some success. They are also incredibly adorable.

Signs

I found this very sweet short film a little while ago. Maybe NSFW for a pair of badly-drawn boobs.

Artsy-Fartsy: Stringed instruments

Hammered Dulcimer
This is a familiar instrument to most people, but its roots go back further than it's apparently Celtic origin. It actually comes from Persian santur and the design has barely changed in 2,000 years.



Nyckelharpa
Meaning "key harp", this instrument is similar to a fiddle with keys. When pressed, a part on the key presses on a string and changes the pitch.



Stroh violin
It's a fiddle with a horn instead of the usual sound box. That said, its sound is brassy and kind of cool.



Hurdy-gurdy
Usually used in soundtracks to create one or two harsh, wailing tones, or recorded so that only the most grating noises are heard, this poor instrument seems to be loved or hated. This particular hurdy-gurdy has been tuned to produce much a mellower sound. A crank turns a wheel that rubs against several strings. One string's pitch is changed with keys similar to that of the nyckelharpa, while the other "drone" strings keep a constant hum.

Cooking Adventure: Tamagoyaki

I tried another French toast recipe and failed. Hard. I am bound and determined to make good French toast. Until that glorious day, I made another egg-based food. Tamagoyaki!

Anyone familiar with Japanese cuisine (or manga and anime) has seen or tasted this. It's a rolled omelet. I'm not sure why it's called an omelet, because it's not filled with anything. It's just egg and sugar and salt. It's also tasty! "Tamago" means "egg" and "yaki" means "fried". I think.

Ingredients:

4 large eggs
1 tbsp sugar
1/4 tsp salt
Optional: 1 tbsp soy sauce and 1 tsp mirin (sweet cooking sake)

I don't use mirin in my tamagoyaki because I'm already using sugar, and I omit the soy sauce because I use it as a dip rather than an ingredient.

 Three ingredients. I can't possibly screw this up. Right?

Beat the eggs with the salt and sugar. Some people like to only beat them until the yoke is broken and things are a little stirred up, claiming fully-mixed eggs become tough when cooking. Some people want the eggs well and truly beaten. I belong to the latter group.

I used an immersion blender. Anything worth doing is worth overkilling.

You'll need a nonstick skillet for this. You need one. First, oil it up with a thin coating. Dipping a paper towel in some vegetable oil and giving the pan a thorough wipe-down will do the trick.

The heat isn't on.

Turn on the burner to medium-high and let the pan heat up for about 30 seconds or so, just enough to get it a bit hot. Then turn it down to medium and pour in some egg mixture. You want just enough to spread out over the bottom of the pan. If it's too much, the top will stay raw and the bottom will burn.

Mmmm, that looks really gross.

Once the egg has just about set, but not quite yet, start rolling it up with a spatula.

More accurately, start flopping it over on itself.

Flop, flop, flop, rip, curse, flop.

Once it's all rolled up, or at least mostly rolled up because of the curvature of the pan, oil the bit without egg, then pour in more egg mixture. Swirl it around to get the pan evenly-coated and lift up the rolled bit to get some egg mixture under it. Then let it cook until nearly set and roll it back the opposite way.

It smells like baking pastries.

Try to roll it as tight as possible.

Be careful not to cook the egg too long before rolling it up. It won't stick to the roll and when you ultimately cut it up, it'll be a loose spiral that comes undone.

Proud and unflinching, the tamagoyaki stares down the cook.

Now you need to let it cool down. The egg will set further while this is happening. If you want, you can wrap it tightly in saran wrap during this cooling-off phase to make its signature rectangular shape even more rectangular. You can also just cut right into it, though the layers might be a bit loose.

First, you'll notice that the ends are tapered. Go ahead and cut them off to even the whole thing out.

 

Shwing!

Then cut it up into sections.

The spiral of egg becomes more apparent after dipping it in soy sauce.

Tamagoyaki

Tasty, sweet and portable

Pack it in a lunch

Tamagoyaki, baby roma tomatoes and sugar snap peas. Guest appearance by Kimlan soy sauce.

Happy cooking!

Cooking Misadventure: French Toast

I bought a loaf of brioche at the farmer's market this Sunday. It's an egg bread that is good for French toast. This loaf was thick-sliced just for this purpose. I decided to see what the talented Alton Brown did to make French toast, and followed that recipe.

It tasted like broken dreams.

The first step was the make the egg mixture. Simple enough.

There was going to be a picture of the egg mixture here, but it has apparently fled, too ashamed to appear in this post. So here's a baby panda instead.

The second step was to soak the bread in the egg mixture. I had halved the recipe in case this turned into a disaster (accurate prediction) and used only three slices of bread. I over-soaked the first slice, but I got the second slice just right.

A promising start.

Because of my over-enthusiastic soaking of the first piece, it was falling apart and there wasn't enough mix for the third piece. So I squeezed the first piece's egg juice back into the bowl. Because I'm insane. Then I used that egg mixture to soak the last piece of bread and got it just right.

Don't ask me for good ideas.

The next thing to do was to preheat the oven. You fry these, then bake them. The recipe said 2-3 minutes until golden brown. I don't think I fried them long enough, though it was at the right temperature, with the right amount of butter, in a nonstick skillet as was recommended, for the maximum amount of time.

Missing the crucial "brown" part of the equation.

I put them in the oven and let them cook for five minutes. I poked them open in a few places just to make sure that egg mixture really had cooked. It had. I put a little bit of butter and some maple syrup on top, then had a bite.

Moments before my hopes were dashed cruelly upon the rocks.

They were flavorless. Quite literally flavorless. I tried it unbuttered and unsyruped and there was zero flavor. With butter and syrup I could taste butter and syrup.

I'm going to try again tomorrow, but with my mom's recipe.

Wish me luck.