Word of Whenever: droll

Hey, it's another word like "bemused"!

droll adj.
amusing in an odd way; whimsically humorous

I usually see this word used to mean "dull". I'm not sure how this came about, because when I see it used correctly, the context does not imply that the situation is boring or monotonous or dull. The only example of correct usage that comes to mind is from the animated Disney version of Robin Hood. Prince John sees Robin Hood and Little John cross-dressing as gypsies (wut) and says, "Gypsies! How droll!"

I almost never use or hear this word, but I thought it was worth mentioning.

Ballad of the Halo Man

Man soothes broken heart with Master Chief's armor.

Eric Smith was a noble man
Of modest house and means
He bought a ring for his maiden fair
To make said maiden his queen

But this maiden was yet untrue
And she did tell him this
"There is another man, my sweet,
"I cannot accept married bliss."

Sir Eric's heart was cloven in twain
By his fair love's betrayal
The ring to represent his love
Now represented an epic fail

The ring was sold on the Bay of E
And with his pockets now filled with gold
Sir Eric hastened to fill the void
With the armor of a champion bold

Master Chief was an imposing man
And his armor was known worldwide
Sir Eric now owns a replica
And wears it to cons with pride

So if your lady or lad of love
Leaves to your chagrin
Hock that ring and buy something
That will make it an epic win

Artsy-Fartsy: Draw a Stickman

Suitable for all ages and quite a bit of fun.

http://www.drawastickman.com/

Firefox

Me: Firefox, load Mailchimp.

Firefox: *Loads Mailchimp*

Me: Firefox, load Gmail.

Firefox: *Loads Gmail*

Me: Firefox, send me a test of the lastest e-mail campaign.

Firefox: Don't wanna.

Me: ...Firefox, send me a test of the lastest e-mail campaign.

Firefox: Nuh-uh!

Me: *Loads IE*

IE: *Dribbles on itself*

Me: ...IE, load Mailchimp.

IE: *Stares blankly, then slowly rolls onto its side and uses one leg to push itself toward Mailchimp*

Me: IE, send me a test of the latest e-mail campaign.

IE: *Slaps itself, then sends the e-mail*

Me: IE, load Gmail.

IE: *Loads some of it*

Me: IE, load all of it.

Gmail: I'm sorry, I can't work with him!

IE: *Bawls and pees*

Me: Whatever. IE, load the Mailchimp test.

IE: *Chokes on the edge of its shirt*

Me: Aaaaaaargh! Fine, fine...Firefox, load Gmail and then load the Mailchimp test.

Firefox: *Loads everything but the content of the e-mail*

Me: FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- FIREFOX Y U NO LOAD E-MAILS?!

Firefox: I 'unno.

Me: ...*Installs Chrome*

Chrome: *Glowing red eye* Hello, Dave.

Me: Hello, friend.

Word of Whenever: dreck

I love this word.

dreck noun
1. excrement; dung
2. worthless trash; junk

This comes from a yiddish word, "drek", of the same meaning. I love the way it sounds. Dreck. It's short. It's ugly. It's abrupt. It's perfect.

I don't use this word very often, because it feels like such a strong word to me.

"That book was dreck."

"The food there is dreck."

"Don't listen to that dreck."

Best said with an expression of disgust and served ice cold, or withering.

Holy Hiatus, Batman!

I'm not dead yet!

Holy moley, it has been approximately thirty years since I blogged. I'll try to sum up where I've been and what I've been doing between then and now.

1. Wisdom teeth excavation have long since healed. I will do a post on what I learned about keeping things clean, taking painkillers, eating and generally living with holes in your mouth.

2. I went to Anime Expo. Pictures to come. I don't cosplay, but I fawn over those that do.

3. I started to learn how to sew. My goal is to get up to the point where I do costuming for a living.

4. I got into steampunk.

5. I broke my ankle. More on that later.

6. I didn't go all-out for Halloween this year, thanks to the ankle.

I plan to get back into the blogging game regularly very soon.

Word of Whenever: wind

I am trying very hard not to start this entry with a fart joke.

"Wind" in this case refers to air in natural motion. It's caused by a difference in air pressure, so when air moves from one area to another, wind happens. I'll bet there's something else that causes wind.

*Giggle*

But there are so many words to describe the characteristics of wind!

A "breeze" is a light wind. In meteorology (which is the study of weather, not meteors) it's defined as a wind ranging from 4-31 MPH. This seems like way to broad a scope, since I imagine a 4 MPH wind ruffles your hair and a 31 MPH wind would probably throw a small dog into the air [citation needed]. You can also use words like "gust", "waft" and "zephyr" in its place.

"Gale" is defined as "a very strong wind". It also has the specialized meteorological definition "a wind of 32-64 MPH", which is probably ranges from dog-tossing (is that a euphamism?) to hatchback-tossing. It has the fun synonyms "squall" and "tempest".

A bit of a specialized word, but nonetheless relevant, is "chinook". It's a warm, dry, periodic wind that blows down the eastern side of the Rockies. I have no idea how you use this word in a sentence, but I thought it was worth mentioning. On the subject of really specific wind definitons, there's also "mistral", which is a northerly wind in France.

Or a northerly wind in your pants!

Image credit ilovebutter

Things I have learned about having wisdom teeth extracted

Well, that took longer than expected. Between the pain of the surgery and the fog of the drugs, I was very unable to even think about posting here. Here I am at last! Here, also, are some things I learned about having my wisdom teeth extracted. In the interest of not causing people to faint, I have detailed my battle wounds at the end of this post.

Once the Versed goes in, you go out.The Versed (the drug that knocks you out and causes short-term memory loss) is administered as soon as the IV needle is in the back of your hand. The needle they used was surprisingly thin compared to the IV needles of yesteryear. It did hurt, but I've felt much worse. As soon as it was in place, the pain immediately faded to a dull ache. The doctor injected the Versed into the IV tube and about five seconds later my head felt heavy and I was out.

Waking up during surgery isn't bad.
My greatest fear was waking up during surgery and not being able to speak or move. I woke up, but was still heavily drugged. I could move slowly and make noises. The doctor will numb you. You will be completely numb. At one point I felt a pinch, so I raised the hand that didn't have the IV and groaned. They immediately gave me another Novocaine shot and it handled it completely. I faded in and out of consciousness, but I was never afraid or in pain.

You will be high, but probably not YouTube-worthy high.
When they brought me out of the unconsciousness, I was extremely chatty. My mouth was stuffed with gauze and I felt heavy and a little dizzy. Half an hour later I was almost comatose. I had heard stories of people swearing nonstop, telling horrible lies, sobbing uncontrollably or babbling incoherently, but none of that happened.


Taking your painkillers while still numb is vital.
I heard from many people that I probably wouldn't need to take the Vicodin prescribed. I ended up taking it all. I was stupid and didn't take the first dose while I was still numb, so when the pain kicked in I could barely think straight. After that I took the Vicodin exactly as prescribed and the pain wasn't terrible after that.


Vicodin can make you nauseous, but it might not.
I had pudding and bottled smoothies ready beforehand, and I always made sure to have a 12-oz smoothie with protein powder, an entire cup of Greek yogurt with honey or an entire cup of pudding directly before taking the Vicodin. I never got nauseous. You must get something substantial in your stomach before taking your painkillers. I didn't want to eat anything just because the pain killed my appetite, but I forced myself and it helped greatly.

Have pudding, yogurt and smoothies beforehand.
Depending on your level of pain or how drugged you are, it's likely you will be very uncoordinated or unwilling to prepare food. Because my surgery was much more extensive than the doctor had originally said, I was in pain and drugged. It was much easier to throw some protein powder into a drink or some honey into my yogurt than have to cook something. Your body expends a great amount of energy to heal itself and it needs calories to do this. Even if you eat less, at least eat something.

You will learn to hate sweet things.
I can't look at yogurt now, or pudding. Smoothies make my skin crawl. I can only have small amounts of ice cream. Because most soft things are sweet, you'll be having a lot of them and you will quickly tire of them.

You will crave flavor.
I started drinking Swanson chicken broth straight. It's actually delicious. I wanted salty, savory, bitter and sour things. I wanted to eat every kind of meat, even loads of fish (I'm picky about my fish). I even wanted pickles, one of the foods on my list of horrible foods. Now that I'm eating more and more solid food, I suddenly like things I never liked before. I love pickles now. Every flavor is amazing.

You will discover many foods you can't eat.
If you can only have the softest of foods and liquids, you're going to discover a plethora of foods you can't have. Anything can be pureed, but there are obstacles you'll face. Ripe avocados are soft, but the fibers will wreak havoc on your wounds. The same goes for bananas and steamed, mashed carrots. Pureed chicken is gritty, even when mixed with broth or cream, and all those tiny particles will get in your wounds. Same with potatoes. Puree, add liquid and strain - that's the way to go.

If at all possible, have someone stay with you.
The two days after surgery, I had very few people around. I was in a lot of pain, very drugged up and weak from my drastically lowered appetite. I really needed help getting around the house and getting food, but since I knew everyone was out and about (and since I was not thinking clearly), I couldn't ask for help. I received a lot of help from my family in the evening, but I really needed someone during the day. Arrange for someone to be with you beforehand if you think you'll be laid up. You'll probably be crappy company, but they can bring a book.

Vicodin is serious business.
I've had prescribed painkillers before. Now I'm stunned when House pops 3 Vicodin at a time. Just one had me reeling. I experienced intense drowsiness (I was almost narcoleptic), dizziness, constant vertigo, slowed reaction time, loss of coordination and I hallucinated. Hallucinations are not listed as a side effect of Vicodin, but I watched my tissue box grow legs and start jumping away. I should have probably told my doctor about that. You cannot drive or go anywhere by yourself on Vicodin.

When you get back on solid foods, your stomach will hate you.
My stomach has been rebelling since I started eating solid food, and it's mostly because I'm eating too much of it too fast. Now that I can have flavors, my appetite has increased, so my body has been sending out frantic eat signals, even when I'm full. My stomach has decided to poo-poo my new lifestyle (literally), so I advise anyone getting their teeth out to introduce solids slowly if possible.

My surgery was much more intense than yours will be.
You will probably be laid up for a couple days at the most. You'll probably be on solid foods within the week. You'll probably be able to skip the Vicodin and just take some Tylenol or Motrin. I'm very sensitive to pain and my surgery was crazy intense. You'll be fine, trust me.

So there it is! My surgery, my travails, and my tips if you have to go through it.

Wisdom Teeth

I had my wisdom teeth out today. While everything is still fresh in my mind, I'd like to recount the experience in the hopes that anyone who needs to get theirs out will find some comfort.

The appointment was at 10 AM this morning. We (my dearest and I) had to wait until 10:45, which did nothing to improve my nerves. Also not helping was the giant TV screen showing computer animations of all the horrible things that can happen to you when you lose teeth and don't get bridges or implants.

I'd had a consultation back in February with the dentist. I found him to be very A to B, communicative and nice. Nothing had changed since then and he was very willing to answer my nervous questions as I was prepped for the extractions.

I had one soft tissue impaction (the tooth was under the gum) and three partial bony impactions (the tooth was partly under the bone). I didn't have any pain, but the teeth needed to come out because I didn't have enough room in my mouth for them. I would get stitches on the lower two, but not on the upper two. The dentist would be cutting into the muscle of my lower jaw, so I'd have limited movement of my jaw. The stitches were the dissolvable kind.

I would be going partially under for the procedure with the drugs Sentinol and Versed. I would also have nitrous oxide. The Sentinol and Versed were administered through an IV. I was informed that the Versed would not only help to put me under faster, but it would also cause short-term memory loss, so I wouldn't remember the procedure.

The needle going in was painful, but not at all unbearable. With deep breaths I was able to be pretty calm about it (also squeezing dearest's hand). The Versed was injected immediately and in about five seconds the room swam and I had to put my head back. Dearest left the room and I got the Sentinol, which really had me spinning. The nitrous oxide mask went on and everything was just really drowsy and serene.

Contrary to what the Versed was supposed to do, I remember the procedure, but that's not a bad thing. I was numbed to the gills - my entire mouth, throat, tongue and even the outside of my cheeks, chin and lower lip. My mouth was stretched really far open, but thanks to the Novocaine it didn't hurt. The extraction was loud. Lots of grinding, crunching and a bit of sawing. At one point I felt a strong pinch on the lower left and managed to moan, "It hurts." I was immediately given more Novocaine. None of that, "it's almost over" or "just hang on" B.S. They really cared about pain management.

When they took the needle out of my hand (which was even less painful than when it went in) and took the nitrous oxide mask off, I came out of it. I've never been high, but I imagine that's what it felt like. They had me stay laying down for about five minutes, then helped me up. My mouth was full of gauze and was completely dry. Walking to the car was a bit of a challenge. My legs were wobbly and I felt very groggy. I was extremely out of it on the way home.

On the way home we picked up three perscriptions: amoxicillin (an antibiotic to stave off infection), ibuprofen (to keep swelling down and also for mild pain relief) and Vicodin (for agony relief). I changed the gauze, ate some pudding, and took the amoxicillin and the ibuprofen. The dental assistant told me to wait before I took the Vicodin because I might not need it.

An hour later I was in agony. I took the Vicodin and laid down, and about an hour later it kicked in. I still had mild pain, but it was bearable. The Vicodin made me drowsy and dizzy, but it didn't make me nauseous, which was a plus.

I've been eating yogurt, pudding and drinking Swanson chicken broth. It is so tasty. You can drink this broth right out of the carton - it is that good.

Because of how wide they have to stretch your mouth, the corners of your mouth can dry out and crack. As soon as I got home, I put lip balm on the corners and I've been keeping up with it every fifteen minutes. It seems to be doing the trick - no cracking, only some soreness.

So all in all it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be by far. I was a wreck waiting for today, but pretty much all of my fears were unfounded. No pain during the procedure, proper medication for pain management and a very nice staff and skilled dentist made this experience one of the least stressful in my life.

I got to keep two of my teeth. The others were all chopped up.

In summation:

• Have soft foods without particles or solid bits in them to hand: yogurt (without fruit chunks), pudding (not rice or tapioca), bottled or homemade smoothies and broth.
• Take your Vicodin before the Novocaine wears off. Keep up the ibuprofen and the antibiotic.
• Have someone around to bring you your food and meds.
• Use lip balm or vaseline to keep the corners of your mouth moisturized.

Word of Whenever: cuniculous

cuniculous adj.
full of rabbits

I encountered this in a forum signature. It's obsolete, but there are still opportunities to use it!

"Whoa, check out that cuniculous hutch!"

"This petting zoo is really cuniculous."

"I enjoy game meat, so I love a good, cuniculous stew."

Language - use it or lose it!

Meat Envy

I swear this post is not as dirty as the title makes it sound.

In an interest to cut down on my weekly grocery bill, I went looking for vegetarian recipes. I am an omnivore - I love me some meat. I was interested in finding all-vegetable dishes that weren't just pasta to round out my diet, save some money and get a bit healthier.

I was looking for recipes that had only vegetables. Quinoa shows up a lot in these recipes. Also lentils. I understand that getting enough protein in a meat-free diet is something to keep in mind, but I was a little disappointed. Something else kept popping up that was very interesting and I have decided to call it meat envy.

Meat envy is when a vegetarian meal tries to imitate meat. I've seen lentil burgers, "meatballs" made out of rice, fake bacon, fake chicken and the infamous tofurkey.

It's real.

Even PETA, the most vocal group about how meat is murder, has a recipe for vegan corndogs featured on their recipe page.

There are sites like Vegetarian Times and allrecipes that have great meatless meals and loads of them are without any faux-meats. Those kinds of recipes are what I'm looking for. Dishes that rejoice in the glory that is a beautiful combination of variegated colors and flavors, casting off any mention or hint of meat or meat substitute, and is delicious in its own veggieness.

I'll never be a vegetarian, and I have to admit it makes me snicker when I see meat envy. Come to the dark meat side and together we will rule the kitchen.

My kitchen armor, reposted because it is terribly wonderful.

What were you doing at 9?

A collection of videos that are awesome, yet make me feel totally inferior.

9-year-old girl in a hip-hop competition.



8-year-old boys krumping.



An even younger boy with some sweet moves.



And a baby.



I was a lame child.

Word of Whenever: apricity

apricity (obsolete)
the warmth of the sun in winter

This is my favorite word. It's obsolete, but I enjoy using it because it brings back wonderful memories. One of the schools I attended was set back in the hills. It was against school rules to leave the playground/basketball court, but we did it anyway. Because of the danger of rattlesnakes in the area, the only time we went tromping through the tall grass and thick brush was in winter, when the rattlesnakes were (hopefully) burrowed away and sleeping. With the school or any other modern landmark out of sight, surrounded by friends and breathing in the smell of earth and growing things, it was a treat to feel the heat of the sun as it broke through the clouds for a few moments. As the clouds swiftly moved in to cover the sun again, we were left with a warm tingle on our faces. There's nothing like enjoying a brief moment of apricity.

Lively illustrations

Thomas Allen is an artist who cuts out figures from illustrations and photographs them in a shallow depth of field, creating unique dioramas.

Check out the rest on Web Urbanist.

Neckties

As a woman, I will never have to wear a necktie. I'm kind of fascinated by them, though. It's a thing you tie around your neck and it just sort of sits there. It has no purpose, other than embellishment. But there are so many cool ties! Some of them are muted, with dark colors and little or no patterning to them. Some of them are in-your-face with loud colors or prints. And some of them are awesome.

Pi tie!

8-bit necktie

Wooden necktie

Samurai neckties

Cooking Adventure: Pineapple (part deux)

Well! Now that you've (presumably) cut up a pineapple and have finished your unwholesome feeding frenzy on its freshly-harvested flesh, what do you do with the bits you can't eat?

Delicious, delicious carnage.

You make pineapple water!

Ingredients:

The peel, core and bottom bit of a pineapple (not the crown)

A lemon or two

Sugar

Water

Firstly, throw all your pineapple bits into a bowl that can hold about a gallon of water. Bigger is better.

Scrap bucket or the beginning of something wondrous?

Chop up a lemon (or two) and throw the slices in the bucket, peel and all. I used a huge one that was probably the equivalent of two lemons, but in the future I would only use one normal-sized lemon.

Giant, mutant lemon.

Today's post is brought to you by the color yellow.

Add three tablespoons of sugar and dump in half a gallon of water. Stick it in the fridge and let it sit overnight.

In the morning, pour into a pitcher or jug or whatever you have. I had an empty water jug.

Yay!

Don't expect an explosion of fruity goodness. The flavor is light and it's mostly tart - the sugar only gets rid of the bitterness this drink would have. It's mostly lemon-flavored and it's refreshing.

Happy cooking!

Cooking Adventure: Pineapple

This isn't cooking, but I didn't want to add the category "Carving up awkwardly-shaped fruit Adventure".

Pineapples! They are the bane and boon of my existence. They're so juicy and sweet and they taste like sunshine, but the fibers tend to go all Hellraiser on my mouth.

Just as hard to open up as a pineapple. And by that I mean anyone can do it.

Canned pineapple does not bring me tears and suffering like fresh pineapple does, but the only "fresh" pineapple I'd had was from a grocery store fruit tray. I decided to carve up my own and see if there was really a difference.

Ingredients/supplies:

A whole pineapple

A big knife

A potato peeler

A note on choosing a ripe pineapple: yank at the center leaves. The pineapple that gives up one of these leaves with the least fuss is the ripest pineapple. I had to work the leaves of this one back and forth twice before they popped out. All the other pineapples had leaves that wouldn't budge no matter what.

Firstly, scrub your pineapple all over with warm water and a scrubby brush. Really scrub it. You can use the rind for pineapple water later.

Hello, beautiful.

Then cut off the green part a bit below the base and the bottom of the pineapple as well. The peel is super tough, so please be careful and make sure to keep your fingers out of the knife's way.

Decapitated!

De-butt-itated!

Set the pineapple upright and cut from the top to the bottom, removing the peel. Don't worry about leaving little brown spots. Just don't leave strips of peel on the fruit.

These cuts are much easier than the initial ones.

Once you've cut all the peel off, you'll see brown spots. Some of them will look like little craters and some of them are small spots surrounded by a dark ring of fruit. Use the scoop end of a potato peeler to remove all these spots, small and large. They're tough and unpleasant to bite into.

Large brown spots.

Small brown spots.

Spots successfully removed!

Now you can carve it up however you choose. I like to set the pineapple down on its side like the picture above and cut it crosswise, making pineapple circles. If you do this, you'll see the pineapple's core. It's super tough and nearly impossible to bite through, so it should be removed.

Pineapples taste like sunshine and look like a mini sun!

How I cut around the core.

A quart of pineapple.

Oh my god, you guys. You guys.

Fresh-cut pineapple - genuinely fresh-cut - is the only way to go. It was ridiculously juicy, super flavorful, and sweet like candy. I eat candy like a panda eats bamboo, so I do not say this lightly. Pineapple would have ousted watermellon as my favorite fruit if it weren't for those darn fibers that cut up my mou-

Oh, wait. Fresh-cut, ripe pineapple doesn't cut up my mouth. Sorry, watermellon. We had some good times, but nothing compares to the tastiness and joy that is fresh pineapple.

Happy fruit carving!

Artsy-Fartsy: You're Gonna Miss Me When I'm Gone

With cuppy action!

Zombie-proof house

You're watching videos of cats when you notice the sun going down. Nothing odd about that, but it's accompanied by low groans, many of them. A night in Minecraft? No. It's a zombie invasion and it's happening right now.

Fortunately, you have this.

Not afraid of the zombie apocalypse? Then bear this in mind: this house is also velociraptor proof.

Via Wired

Artsy-Fartsy: While my ukulele gently weeps

I hate ukuleles. I hate them. Their little tinny plinka-plinka noise, their ridiculous size, the same janga-jay-janga-jay-janga-jay tunes people seem to play on them.

That said, if more people played the ukulele like Jake Shimabukuro I'd probably like the instrument.

Growling though the scales

Word of Whenever: bemused

I was going to title this post "Word of the Day", but this probably won't be a daily thing, even though there are enough words in the English language to satisfy a "Word of the Day" post daily for about 450 years - and that's not counting the words counted as obsolete. So hey, it's Word of Whenever!

Today's word is "bemused".

bemused adj.
1. bewildered or confused
2. lost in thought; preoccupied

I've found that most people think this word means "mildly amused". This makes sense (not only because the word sounds like "amused") because I've usually seen this word used in situations in books where something strange is going on, but not very strange. A tiny man in brightly-colored clothing comes dancing out of a teapot and everyone looks bemused. Assuming the story has been full of odd happenings, it would make sense that everyone is kind of amused. Their bemusedness is usually followed by a chuckle or smile or some other reaction, supporting the idea that "bemused" means "amused".

Other usages of language further this incorrect definition. When people are "bewildered" in stories, they are reeling with confusion and the language of the story will support that. The bewildered character will perhaps take a step back, shake his head in disbelief or gape at whatever has him confused. If someone is "stunned", they may be unable to move or speak and their thoughts might be described to be at a total standstill, or their mind blank.

When someone is "bemused", their reaction isn't so strong. They may quickly shake off the confusion and have a more positive reaction, like smiling or laughing. I've noticed more and more that authors are misusing this word, so the definition "mildly amused" is tacked on to "bemused" more frequently.

So what's the point? I don't really have one. Language evolves. Definitions shift. Context plays a big part in this. A smile or a laugh by themselves are usually positive.

"Tony made a face, sending the children into gales of laughter."

Using the same words, a smile or a laugh become negative or alarming.

"James smiled as Terry screamed in agony."

I think it doesn't matter if "bemused" is used in a way that is considered incorrect. The context will usually show which definition is being used and as long as that's clearly conveyed, then communication is established and the story flows.

Elephobia

Oh, hey: Two-liter bottles

This is a picture of a two-liter bottle before it's been expanded.

And here's a video demonstrating how that expansion occurs.



Spotted on TYWKIWDBI. http://tywkiwdbi.blogspot.com/

Cooking Adventure: Ham

My mom suggested a HoneyBaked ham for Easter dinner. I do like ham, but that particular brand just doesn't cut it anymore. Not after I had some of my friend Jess' amazing glazed ham. Unwilling to suffer through another HoneyBaked, I asked Jess how she made her ham.

Offerings to dark gods?

She helpfully provided me the following recipe.

Ingredients:

A fully-cooked, spiral-cut ham (I used a "half-ham")

2 cans of cola

Whole cloves

The rub:

Brown sugar

Salt

Cinnamon

The glaze:

1/2 cup maple syrup (you can probably get away with the fake stuff)

1/2 cup brown sugar

1 tbsp mustard (technically brown or Dijon, but yellow is fine)

1/4 tsp ground ginger

1/4 tsp cinnamon

1/2 can of cola (I left this out and it worked just fine)

First, gaze upon your ham. I did so in fear and hesitation. My fears were unfounded, because this is a ridiculously easy recipe.

Please be delicious.

Don your cooking armor and prepare to do battle.

My cooking armor.

Hidden behind the label are the cooking instructions. The label is designed to peel off. So give it a firm yank and-

AAAAAAAUUUGH!

-tear right through the cooking time and temperature. It's best to leave the label where it is, cut through the shrink wrap, rinse off the shrink wrap and turn it over to peer at the label from the reverse side.

Wash the ham. It's covered in gross.

Put your ham in a roasting pan. Basically any rectangular (or even oval) pan with at least 2-inch sides, preferably a bit higher. You can put the ham on a rack if you want, but I didn't have one. I just stuck the ham in the pan the way it was wrapped - no looking for the fatty side or anything.

Jess elaborates the next step: "Pour a can of Coke over it. Pull spiral cuts apart just enough so that the Coke dribbles down inside. ALL UP IN THAR."

Rub the ham down with some brown sugar, salt and cinnamon. The proportions should be about 80% brown sugar, 10% salt, 10% cinnamon. I eyeballed it.

I also rubbed down the front, so that first slice is going to be amazing.

Jess: "Stud ham with whole cloves. Drop a couple of the f***ers in the Coke.  THAT'LL TEACH IT."

Yeah!

Cover the ham in tinfoil.

Ham! From! Spaaaaaaaaace!

The label will have the cooking time and temperature. It's usually x minutes per pound. Through poor math and rounding wildly at every turn, I figured this ham should be in the oven for about two hours.

Twenty-five minutes before it was due to come out, I opened up the oven, pulled out the rack and uncovered the ham to glaze it. I did it right there with the oven open and received a little sunburn on the back of my glazing hand. Please use caution, or at least have some sunburn ointment to hand. Don't let the glaze drip into the pan. Really baste the ham. Get it in between the spirals. Then throw it back in the oven for the remaining cooking time. You can leave it in a bit longer if you want the glaze crispy. I didn't do this, just in case I made ham flambé.

I was supposed to throw the glaze ingredients into a saucepan and simmer the mixture, but I...forgot. It still turned out perfectly.

Unsimmered glaze, because I'm a rebel.

After two hours and a great deal of praying, I removed the ham from the oven.

Hale-friggen-lujah!

The spirals separated a bit, letting the glaze cook into each slice.

This is a very easy recipe that turns out very impressive and very delicious. I had a 9.38-lb. ham and it cost a little under $20. By comparison, a HoneyBaked 9-lb. ham is a little over $80. Jess' ham beats all other contenders on every front. I definitely recommend this recipe for any special-occasion dinner or family gathering, or just because ham is delicious.

Happy cooking!

Happy Easter

Cooking Adventure: French Toast - THE RECKONING

I have a dear friend - McK who is one of the manliest men I know. He plays video games, shoots guns, saves the world and cooks.

If you look past all the wide, smiling faces of TV chef personalities, you see the inherent danger and excitement of cooking. Knives! Fire! Mallets! Slicing! Stabbing!

Did I mention fire?

McK makes manly food - filling, flavorful and tons of it. In the post Cooking Misadventure: French Toast, McK left a comment with his own recipe. Today, I make that recipe.

Ingredients:

Wheat bred (McK specified Roman wheat bread, but I'm not sure what that is)
Eggs
Milk or water (optional)

Time to pray!

Milk/egg ratio should be 1 part milk to 4 parts eggs. Mix the eggs and milk in a flat-bottomed bowl for optimum dunking. My favorite flat-bottomed bowl was in the fridge holding a giant watermelon, so I decided to be lazy (and hungry) and use the next best thing.

I was wary of trying another French toast recipe, so I only used two pieces of bread and two eggs. I'm not sure how much milk I used - maybe 1/4 of a cup. I'm not sure about the measurement of a large egg.

After the previous French toast debacle, I was extremely wary about this attempt. The fact that when I cracked the eggs they both caved in on themselves - leaving me to hold a mass of broken shells and goop - did not give me hope that this would turn out any better. It seemed like an ill omen.

Also, the kitchen walls were bleeding.

Butter a pan with salted butter on a medium-low flame. McK helpfully informs us that using oil will make the French toast taste eggy, which isn't good. He also lets us know that burning the butter will make the French toast taste better. I decided to brown the butter to test this.

French-toast-making station. The picture is blurry because I was beset by a flock of lesser demons.

Lay a piece of bread flat in the eggs, then flip it over, then immediately set in the hot pan. Fill up the pan with the pre-French toast. I had a round pan, so this did not take long.

If I had to cook for guests, I calculate it would take about 4,000,000,000 hours until everyone was served.

Cook until the French toast gets kind of brown on each side.

I also threw in some summer sausage. And holy water.

Remove from pan. McK: "Re-butter the pan for any following frenching of toasts." Serve with whatever you want. I, like McK, prefer butter and syrup.

It was with great trepidation that I approached this French toast. I expected something bland or maybe tough or perhaps dry. It was none of these. I swear when I took a bite that the heavens parted and there was an angel chorus. The darkness was banished. This was proper French toast. Paired with summer sausage, it made for a highly satisfying - nay, highly amazing - lunch.

Breakfast for lunch is awesome, beaten only by breakfast for dinner.

Happy cooking!

Hollow Books: Part 1

I make hollow books on occasion. They're great for keeping things secret. Actually, that's a total lie. I like to show them off, because everyone gets a kick out of them. But they're still pretty darn cool. And today, I will tell you a bit about making them!

I do understand that there are those who despise the destruction of any book. If you are a bibliophile, please look away - some of these images are shocking.

Supplies:

A hardcover book you don't like or don't care about
X-acto knife, box cutter, razor, weedwhacker, chainsaw or other sharp implement (please only use the first 3 listed)
Paintbrush
White glue
Disposable cup
Wax paper
Straight edge

Protect your table from glue!

I got all my books from the library for free or for 25 cents. I like the two-toned covers the best. For this first book I'll show you the absolute simplest method of making a hollow book. For this you'll only need the book, glue, brush and blade, and something to hold the cover up.

Open up your glue bottle and get a good amount on  your brush. Paint the edges of the pages with the glue, getting a nice, even coat. Brush in the direction of the pages so that any dried-glue ridges will at least follow the direction of the pages and blend in better.

This is a horrible brush for this job, but I couldn't find a different one.

Make sure the pages are well-coated, but don't leave globs of glue. You will inevitably get glue on the cover. Just brush it down and spread it out to make it less visible. Once everything is glued, set the book on it's back and open the front cover. If it sticks, just pry it up. You'll probably yank a few pages with it. Press them back down if this happens. Put a pad of sticky notes, a couple pencils, a few pamphlets or whatever you have lying around to keep the front cover off the rest of the book. If you have wax paper, you can place it between both covers and the pages. This will prevent you from making a book block. Press it down and let it dry, about 30 minutes.

Slight buckling. The red to the right is not blood. I did a second book that had red-stained pages (the glue lifted the dye) and I wiped my brush there.

When it's dry, open the front cover and draw some lines on the first page, creating a border. These will be where you cut the pages. You can make them narrow or wide, but I wouldn't make them narrower than 1/2 an inch for durability's sake. Once you have your margins marked, start cutting.

Margins. If you're wondering, the book is "Memories of Midnight".

You might find it hard to keep a straight line, or that your margins start to slant inwards or outwards. It's not a big deal unless you want a perfect book. Work slowly for a smoother, more uniform outcome. I was hacking at the book and tearing pages out to work as quickly as possible.

Tip: Watch your corners. It's easy to get fuzzy, rounded corners while cutting. If you can't drag your blade to the very end of the margin, get in there from a different angle and cut clear corners.

You'll eventually hit the back of the book. It's okay if you accidentally slice into it, as long as you don't slice through it. Carefully remove the last few pages.

Deep gouge.

The finished book.

Paint the insides and back of the page with glue, and press them against the back cover. Close the book, press it down and let it dry.

It took me about an hour and a half (not counting drying time) to make this book. It's about 3/4 of an inch thick. You will likely get paper bits and dust everywhere.

Book carnage.

Happy crafting!