Artsy-Fartsy: While my ukulele gently weeps

I hate ukuleles. I hate them. Their little tinny plinka-plinka noise, their ridiculous size, the same janga-jay-janga-jay-janga-jay tunes people seem to play on them.

That said, if more people played the ukulele like Jake Shimabukuro I'd probably like the instrument.

Growling though the scales

Word of Whenever: bemused

I was going to title this post "Word of the Day", but this probably won't be a daily thing, even though there are enough words in the English language to satisfy a "Word of the Day" post daily for about 450 years - and that's not counting the words counted as obsolete. So hey, it's Word of Whenever!

Today's word is "bemused".

bemused adj.
1. bewildered or confused
2. lost in thought; preoccupied

I've found that most people think this word means "mildly amused". This makes sense (not only because the word sounds like "amused") because I've usually seen this word used in situations in books where something strange is going on, but not very strange. A tiny man in brightly-colored clothing comes dancing out of a teapot and everyone looks bemused. Assuming the story has been full of odd happenings, it would make sense that everyone is kind of amused. Their bemusedness is usually followed by a chuckle or smile or some other reaction, supporting the idea that "bemused" means "amused".

Other usages of language further this incorrect definition. When people are "bewildered" in stories, they are reeling with confusion and the language of the story will support that. The bewildered character will perhaps take a step back, shake his head in disbelief or gape at whatever has him confused. If someone is "stunned", they may be unable to move or speak and their thoughts might be described to be at a total standstill, or their mind blank.

When someone is "bemused", their reaction isn't so strong. They may quickly shake off the confusion and have a more positive reaction, like smiling or laughing. I've noticed more and more that authors are misusing this word, so the definition "mildly amused" is tacked on to "bemused" more frequently.

So what's the point? I don't really have one. Language evolves. Definitions shift. Context plays a big part in this. A smile or a laugh by themselves are usually positive.

"Tony made a face, sending the children into gales of laughter."

Using the same words, a smile or a laugh become negative or alarming.

"James smiled as Terry screamed in agony."

I think it doesn't matter if "bemused" is used in a way that is considered incorrect. The context will usually show which definition is being used and as long as that's clearly conveyed, then communication is established and the story flows.

Elephobia

Oh, hey: Two-liter bottles

This is a picture of a two-liter bottle before it's been expanded.

And here's a video demonstrating how that expansion occurs.



Spotted on TYWKIWDBI. http://tywkiwdbi.blogspot.com/

Cooking Adventure: Ham

My mom suggested a HoneyBaked ham for Easter dinner. I do like ham, but that particular brand just doesn't cut it anymore. Not after I had some of my friend Jess' amazing glazed ham. Unwilling to suffer through another HoneyBaked, I asked Jess how she made her ham.

Offerings to dark gods?

She helpfully provided me the following recipe.

Ingredients:

A fully-cooked, spiral-cut ham (I used a "half-ham")

2 cans of cola

Whole cloves

The rub:

Brown sugar

Salt

Cinnamon

The glaze:

1/2 cup maple syrup (you can probably get away with the fake stuff)

1/2 cup brown sugar

1 tbsp mustard (technically brown or Dijon, but yellow is fine)

1/4 tsp ground ginger

1/4 tsp cinnamon

1/2 can of cola (I left this out and it worked just fine)

First, gaze upon your ham. I did so in fear and hesitation. My fears were unfounded, because this is a ridiculously easy recipe.

Please be delicious.

Don your cooking armor and prepare to do battle.

My cooking armor.

Hidden behind the label are the cooking instructions. The label is designed to peel off. So give it a firm yank and-

AAAAAAAUUUGH!

-tear right through the cooking time and temperature. It's best to leave the label where it is, cut through the shrink wrap, rinse off the shrink wrap and turn it over to peer at the label from the reverse side.

Wash the ham. It's covered in gross.

Put your ham in a roasting pan. Basically any rectangular (or even oval) pan with at least 2-inch sides, preferably a bit higher. You can put the ham on a rack if you want, but I didn't have one. I just stuck the ham in the pan the way it was wrapped - no looking for the fatty side or anything.

Jess elaborates the next step: "Pour a can of Coke over it. Pull spiral cuts apart just enough so that the Coke dribbles down inside. ALL UP IN THAR."

Rub the ham down with some brown sugar, salt and cinnamon. The proportions should be about 80% brown sugar, 10% salt, 10% cinnamon. I eyeballed it.

I also rubbed down the front, so that first slice is going to be amazing.

Jess: "Stud ham with whole cloves. Drop a couple of the f***ers in the Coke.  THAT'LL TEACH IT."

Yeah!

Cover the ham in tinfoil.

Ham! From! Spaaaaaaaaace!

The label will have the cooking time and temperature. It's usually x minutes per pound. Through poor math and rounding wildly at every turn, I figured this ham should be in the oven for about two hours.

Twenty-five minutes before it was due to come out, I opened up the oven, pulled out the rack and uncovered the ham to glaze it. I did it right there with the oven open and received a little sunburn on the back of my glazing hand. Please use caution, or at least have some sunburn ointment to hand. Don't let the glaze drip into the pan. Really baste the ham. Get it in between the spirals. Then throw it back in the oven for the remaining cooking time. You can leave it in a bit longer if you want the glaze crispy. I didn't do this, just in case I made ham flambé.

I was supposed to throw the glaze ingredients into a saucepan and simmer the mixture, but I...forgot. It still turned out perfectly.

Unsimmered glaze, because I'm a rebel.

After two hours and a great deal of praying, I removed the ham from the oven.

Hale-friggen-lujah!

The spirals separated a bit, letting the glaze cook into each slice.

This is a very easy recipe that turns out very impressive and very delicious. I had a 9.38-lb. ham and it cost a little under $20. By comparison, a HoneyBaked 9-lb. ham is a little over $80. Jess' ham beats all other contenders on every front. I definitely recommend this recipe for any special-occasion dinner or family gathering, or just because ham is delicious.

Happy cooking!

Happy Easter